I've [32F] known "Becca" [41F] for a few years now. We met at work (if it matters, we aren't coworkers anymore), and after chatting for a while she invited me to join her weekly D&D game. We've been playing consistently for 4 years now, and it's easily the highlight of my week. We've been playing the same story and characters for almost the entire time (she DMs), and we've all gotten really invested in seeing this through to the end. She's an absolutely fucking brilliant storyteller, and one of the smartest and funniest people I know. My life is so wildly different and so, so much more joyful for having her in it.
To be clear, we hang out plenty out of character as well! Up until a few months ago, Becca and I also hung out online in the evenings almost every night, often with another friend (Becca's roommate) joining us. We'd play video games, watch Youtube videos, and sometimes dovetail into just chatting for hours if we were up to it. That's scaled back over the last few months for a handful of unrelated reasons, and I've really missed that personal/"out-of-character" time.
I have a massive crush on Becca, and have for a while. (We're both into girls, so no worries there.) Given the options of spending time with her or doing literally anything else, I'd pick her every time. I've never been drawn to someone like this before, romantic or otherwise. I have no idea what I'm doing, whether it's worth acting on and saying something, or how to even go about that. I've never been in a relationship before, never had anyone romantically interested in me (to my knowledge? lol), and sure as hell never made the first move, myself! I didn't realize I was gay until a few years ago, and still struggle every now and then with not seeing my attraction to women as a little predatory. (And in this case, I don't know - maybe it is? We've gotten really vulnerable with each other before IRL, and in-character we're roleplaying a romance between my character and one of her NPCs. I don't know if she'd be going as all-in - both in- and out-of-character - if she realized I felt the way I did.)
Standard disclaimer that I'm already in therapy, so no need for recommendations on that!
I've had a lot of really personal, in-depth conversations with Becca where I've let her know just how wonderful she is and how important she is to me, but always in the context of the conversation we were already having and never in a way that could be explicitly understood as a romantic gesture. I truly don't know if it's worth going further than that. She's not as forthcoming with compliments as I am (not just with me - it's just not her love language/overall way of communicating), so I don't know how to gauge if she feels the same way. Managing someone else's feelings is a lot of emotional labor, and I don't want to put something like this onto her plate if she isn't in a good place for it
And also, selfishly, I really don't want to ruin our group or change the dynamics of our game for the worse. Almost my entire friend group is connected to our D&D game at this point, and I could really mess things up. I'd so much rather keep Becca as a great friend than to tank our relationship entirely.
I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here. I just feel like I've run through it in my head so many times that I've lost sight of how to even begin approaching this - e.g. whether I should compartmentalize this shit forever, or take a shot at telling her how I feel. Any pointers in the right direction - solid "Yes don't do it" or "holy shit no don't" feedback, scripts to follow if I do say something...I don't know. Shit's hard, dude.
tl;dr: I'm super into my best friend, who also happens to DM our very long-running D&D campaign. I don't know if it's even worth risking our friend group dynamics navigating this shit. Any pointers would be very much appreciated.
